I wrote this after an argument with a friend where I was told having depression was basically whining.
August 20, 2014
You know what sucks? Arthritis. Pain. Multiple joint replacements. Weekly injections. Chronic pain. Not being able to run or do sports. You know what’s worse? Depression.
The depression I have feels like my close friend died last month and no matter what fun thing I do there’s still the underlying grief there, all the time. I can laugh at something but then I remember my friend died. I can party and smile, but then I remember that my friend died. It feels like a black, sticky, tar-like, heavy ball in the pit of my stomach. It makes me want to make the sound of crying without tears. It makes me want to punch walls. It makes me want to rip my hair out and scratch myself until I bleed. It makes me feel like there’s something in me I need surgically removed.
And the hypomania makes me feel like I could party and meet people for days. It feels like I can do anything. It feels like I’m the smartest person in the world and I know something other people don’t. I can’t stop moving my hands; I get tingly feelings in my body. And sometimes I can’t stop laughing. Hysterically. Sometimes I feel like this when I’m having a really bad time and then I’ll start laughing because the feeling of bad is so bad its funny. But the hypomania doesn’t happen often.
I don’t show people this because it’s none of their fucking business. I hide it as well as I can.
If my life were perfect, I would STILL be like this. But my life isn’t perfect, and nobody else’s is either, and any hardships I face are blown out of proportion. So if you think I’m making it worse by thinking about it, or if I didn’t drink, or if I slept better, or if I ate better, or if I exercised more, it would go away… FUCK. YOU. Fuck your, “if you did this it would probably help”. Fuck your, “you will not be depressed forever unless you choose to be “. Fuck your, “your victim persona gets tiresome” when I’m trying to explain what depression is like. Fuck your greater-than-thou point of view. But I’m still glad you don’t have depression. Because the best way to describe it is, “chronic pain in my soul” and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.
(turns out changing the way I eat did make a difference…. BIG oops there)